In Awe Of God’s Plans For Me

I am a mature adult who has loved God my whole life. I know about His greatness and His love for me, yet I continue to be in awe of His plans for me.  One more time He shows me to “Let Go and Let God”.

I have been through all “the firsts” without my dear, loving husband. I thought  things would get easier, but in fact, this Christmas season has been rough for me. It’s been even harder this year than last year. I think maybe it was because it was so new last year. I was still in the early stages of my grief. I didn’t know how to feel. My daughter was also getting married soon after Christmas so I was preoccupied with all that being a mother of the bride entails. I have felt the emptiness in my heart this season and the longing to wrap my arms around him one more time and tell him how much I love him. I know his presence is around me and for that I am grateful, but it just isn’t the same. So I have had my pity party on more than one occasion lately, concentrating on what I missed in my life. No one else was invited. It was a private party.

Monday morning I received an email from my editor telling me she finished reading the manuscript I submitted back in September. She loved it. In fact she said I owed her a box of Kleenex. She is going to be sending me a contract on it very soon.  I checked my email daily since early October, hoping to hear word from her. Nothing came. Instead, during the week of Christmas, when I needed something to cheer me up, the email arrived. Once again, God knew exactly the time I needed to receive this. It has added joy to my heart because this book is very special to me. This is also the last manuscript Randy knew I was working on. He cried also when I read him parts of it. I know he would be doing the “happy dance” with me in celebration. In fact, maybe he is.

So my Christmas will be a little brighter than I anticipated this year. Although it will still be tough to go on, at least I know the book Randy wanted to see get published so badly is going to happen. I feel like it’s a Christmas gift to both of us.

Merry Christmas!



5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laurie Kolp
    Dec 22, 2010 @ 12:17:09

    Happy dances are much more fun than pity parties… congratulations, Peggy!


  2. Mona Hernandez
    Dec 22, 2010 @ 14:27:58

    What a heartfelt post Peggy ! And what wonderful news about your latest manuscript! Randy must be so happy for you. Please add my new blog to your list, my other one {healingtouch} was hacked so I had to redo the whole thing. Have a blessed Christmas



  3. Tiffany Fakier
    Dec 22, 2010 @ 21:56:06

    Peggy, I am happy that your early Christmas present has brought you some joy. As I read your post, I smiled because your sentiments are so much like mine are and I feel that our grief is following such a similar path. This, too, is my second Christmas without Louis and I thought it would be easier. But as you stated, it is not. Last year, feelings I experienced were pain and numbness and just let me make it through this and be strong for everyone else so as not to ruin everyone’s holiday. It was as though if I could get through that first Christmas, I would be OK then. But this year the pain is replaced by sadness and emptiness and the reality that it was not over with the first one and the permanency of always spending it without him is the “new” norm and that is playing havoc with my emotions. My light comes from the fact that I have a new grandchild, born in July (1 day before Louis’ birthday). When God takes away he always replaces and I know that you will soon experience the joy of grandparenthood. There are painful times when I want so badly for Kate to have known Louis, but then I see Kate as part of Louis and that brings it all to full circle. Your posts always leave me feeling peaceful and offer me thoughts to move me one step closer to healing. Thanks for sharing, congratulations on your new book, and Merry Christmas to you and your family and your much awaited new grandbaby!


  4. Mindy
    Dec 22, 2010 @ 23:11:45

    I know EXACTLY how you feel about missing daddy and it being HARDER this Christmas than last. I KNOW that you try to “hide” your grief from us and not let us see how much you are hurting… But the thing that you need to realize is that we are ALL hurting too. That’s not something you need to “hide” from us. In fact, it might do us some good to grieve openly and together. Somedays, I feel like talking about how sad we are is “off limits”. I guess we are all learning how to deal with this loss in our own ways.
    With my pregnancy hormones.. my emotions are all over the place and I NEVER know quite how to deal with them.. Having this baby and daddy not being here for it is starting to become more real to me everyday. With that reality, comes sadness and anger. I try to tell myself that daddy wouldn’t want us to be “angry” or “sad”.. But the holidays make it harder and more obvious that he isn’t here.
    2010 has been the hardest year of my life bc I have had to deal with the reality of “change”, “loss”and “grief”. It’s been VERY difficult bc in the midst of that, I have had this precious baby inside of me that I need to take care of and before that, I had “other major things” going on in my life like getting married and opening my own salon so I have never truly gotten the chance to “deal” with my grief in the way that I need to. I hold EVERYTHING in, although I KNOW that it isn’t healthy.
    I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s hard on ALL of us and I want you to know that you are DEFINATELY NOT alone in your grief. I know we don’t talk about it openly (mostly because we don’t know how) but when you are sad.. please come to us. Don’t grieve alone. We may all be grieving in “different” ways, but are all in the same “grieving” boat.
    I also want you to know that I am sooooo very prouf of you for accomplishing all that you have in your writing and just in general. I know that you are trying to fill daddy’s shoes and be EVERYTHING to everybody… but you don’t have to try to be anything. We couldn’t ask for a better mother and friend. I am in constant awe of your success, your strength, and your heart of gold! I know everyone always says this about their mother but you are TRULY the best mom in the world and we could not ask for better! I love you with all my heart!


  5. Sylvia Ney
    Dec 23, 2010 @ 09:26:26

    Congratulations on the new contract coming. I’m praying you get everything you NEED this season. Remember you have friends. Anytime you want company at the pity party or need to get away from the house and memories, don’t hesitate. I’m so thankful to know you and see your talent and strength develop. Merry Christmas!


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